Other things to do

I pretty much forgot the whole baby thing for the past few days. As far as I can tell from movies and TV, that’s not normal. I’m supposed to be obsessed with getting pregnant, doing headstands after sex and then running to the bathroom to take a pregnancy test. Didn’t the Bachelorette (the one successful one) go through, like, 100 pregnancy tests? She must have had a good payday from that show because let’s just say those things are not cheap. Something you pee on and then throw away should really be cheaper. Really.

Um, did it happen yet?

It’s pretty weird to think, for the first time, that some life could be forming in my midsection, somewhere behind my rock-hard abs. I spent the last ten or so* years trying to avoid this “situation,” so I imagine the next few months might be a bit anxiety-inducing. What if I was using birth control that whole time for no reason? What if it takes a long time, and I stress out because I’m so competitive and want to be the best and first?

While I don’t have high expectations for Attempt #1, it shouldn’t be that hard right? How many celebrities have you seen knocked up in UsWeekly? How many friends do you have who had a “surprise”? (Sorry, more than you think). Getting pregnant by accident is probably more acceptable in celebrity-land, but still, if all these people, including the glorious Catherine Zeta-Jones and Gwyneth Paltrow, didn’t even do it on purpose, then it can’t be as complicated as we might imagine. I can probably do it on purpose, right? I’m not trying to jinx myself here, so knock on wood for me, but I’m just sayin’.

*Dad, if you're reading this, it's actually only been a few months, you know, since I got married

TMI?

I’m trying to learn a thing or two, so I’m reading all these books about conception, pregnancy, childbirth, and all things related. Well, mostly I read a few pages, gag, and throw the book back in my library bag, but I’m trying. The one problem is: there seem to be more books in the library about adoption, infertility, and child behavior issues than any of the happy, rosy things I’m picturing. It’s gotten to the point where I know exactly which shelves I should stick to if I don’t want to leave depressed.

So far I’ve read contradicting information on several things, including when a woman is most likely to ovulate and how long semen can live in the vagina (eww, squirm-literally!). These seem like basic scientific facts to me but I guess they’re up for debate. And let me tell you how much I learned about hemorrhoids: a lot. Can one take back the baby-making one already tried? I’m not sure I’m ready for Preperation-H and donut-shaped seat cushions.

First comes love, then comes marriage...

We all know the rest, right? “…then comes the baby in the baby carriage.” First of all, how is this an insult? Really, even for grade school that doesn’t make any sense. I’m guessing the insult is that you would have a baby with someone else, possibly someone who ate his boogers on top of the slide or didn’t peg his jeans? Secondly, what could be more humiliating?! At this point in my life—yes, someone wound my biological clock and it is now ticking—I’m ready for that baby carriage. Time to toss the old contraception, believe it or not. The high co-pay for my prescription on my new health insurance was enough to tip our decision that way. Yes, we’re that poor. So, we’ll see how it goes…