I have a load of bitching to do, based on the fact that since Wyatt died we have so many stupid things to think about that we wouldn’t have had to deal with if he had been okay. Extra maddening: I’m crankier now than I was pregnant! I think the fact that October is coming (with an October 14th due date he probably would have come this month, whether early, late, or on time) makes me extra sensitive too. Mostly these annoyances have to do with health insurance and money, both of which are, sadly, important. Health insurance: it did not work. For some reason they are trying to deny us coverage, even though we gave them every single piece of information they asked for, have no pre-existing conditions, and are young and healthy. So:
a. If we try to find other “individual” insurance, not a SINGLE one in Colorado covers maternity expenses. As I previously mentioned, that means if you want to have a baby you better get your finances in order ahead of time because ain’t nobody helping you pay for those visits, the gimmicky delivery room, and those disposable maxi-pad diapers you get when you leave (I stole a couple for later because they are awesome). And if you need anything “extra” then you better have that cash ready! Ps. Our friend seriously struggled to find the one insurance plan that would cover his newborn under three months old. WTF!!
b. While I am not 100% committed to trying to get pregnant again right away, I am ready to get rid of birth control and consider whether I dare go through with this again. If I was financially responsible I would wait until January 2011 because then all health insurance will be mandated to have maternity coverage. So, I can wait, and go crazy waiting, or I can not wait and pay the price. But how can I decide if having a baby, a baby that I want so much, even now more than before, is worth a certain price??! And maybe I won’t get pregnant right away and kick myself even more for waiting!
c. This really could be section C, 1 but whatever. I just want to explain why birth control is making me crazy. I’m not really sure I can though-that’s probably why I want to vocalize it. It’s just that I want a baby so badly I don’t think I should be preventing pregnancy. It’s like the absolute extreme reverse of my early-mid 20s. I’m not saying I want to go to the extreme of tracking my temperature twice a day, peeing on ovulation test sticks and then jumping Hub’s bones when they are positive, or trying to have sex every day or something…just something about birth control feels wrong. Completely wrong. I making myself wait two “cycles” beca
use research told me to (the doctor said one, but I figured an extra couldn’t hurt and really, I can’t completely ignore all that internet advice), but after that I just don’t see the point any more. I want a frickin’ baby! I want to be pregnant; I was just getting into the big belly, good napping stage, you know? I was a great pregnant lady, and I was less than three months away from getting to bring home a little munchkin. Now I’ve got to wait. And what if it takes a year to get pregnant this time? What if we can never make Wyatt a sibling? What if being pregnant gives me some hope and happiness again? What if, what if, what if!?
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