dare I say, an upward swing?

I’m not sure if admitting this will immediately backfire (I’m not necessarily superstitious…but I’d rather be safe than sorry), so I’ll knock on wood before telling you that things have been looking up lately. I’m not sure if it was Wyatt’s due date passing; I wouldn’t be pregnant anymore anyway (well, hopefully). Or maybe it’s just the passing of time; my grandfather always says “Father Time marches on” and boy does he. Maybe it’s that other things are beginning to have appeal again, so I can focus on them instead of how pissed I am that I have to job hunt rather than change diapers or that I still have five pounds to lose but I can’t figure out where it went since my “normal” clothes all fit again and I feel fine (that I even know I weigh more than before is due to Hubby’s interest in the scale at the gym because he wants to see if he is “getting huge” so obviously I like to play that game too—digression). Maybe it’s that I finally have health insurance after all that hassle. Maybe it’s that I’m not as desperate to have a new baby as I was in the beginning. Maybe it’s that I visited my friend with the newborn boy and it was fine (he was just another wrinkly, crying baby—not mine). Whatever it is, I’ll take it. It feels nice to think about other things, worry about other things, and feel like, at least some of the time, things will be okay.

I’m not saying I don’t continually do research (and then worry about the new things I find that could go wrong “next time”) or get excited about the possibility that I could make another baby soon. I’m not saying I don’t miss him every single day. But I am saying, at the risk of jinxing myself, that things are getting better. And for me, that’s a big admission.