Emotions!

Call me crazy, but this “waiting to make a baby” thing is well, making me crazy. I never in my life thought I would become one of those women (usually in movies) who hears that clock ticking. I guess it’s not so much the biological clock as just the passing of time in general; I was supposed to have a baby any day now, and instead I lost him 12 weeks early. My body says “let’s get crackin’!” and my mind says “dammit, I want a baby!” So, naturally, I’m ready to go. I’m ready. Especially since there are no guarantees I’ll get pregnant right away. The thought of waiting to get pregnant and then waiting another 9 months to actually bring home a baby makes me sick. What also makes me sick is thinking about how worried I am going to be during the “next time.” So it’s sort contradictory, which only makes it more emotional. For example, I know I have to get new health insurance before I even think about making another baby. While it is hard to wait, I can rationalize that. But it doesn’t make me any less sad or mad about it. (I pretty much had a complete breakdown this weekend, but that’s another story). Then I think, well, I shouldn’t be sad because it is what it is and I need to be smart. And then I think, well, f being smart, I want a baby. Then I think, well, every “cycle” you wait is another cycle your body and mind have healed. But then I think f healing, I just want to get going here. If you are following my ramble you probably understand how confused I am! Perhaps pregnancy hormones aren’t actually a good idea right now…but f pregnancy hormones, I’ll kill ‘em!